I think the average “hello world” title as a first post in a brand new blog seems quite okay.
Well, “first post” is a lie, when I am honest. I started this domain several years ago. I think it was may 2014 as I started and it was a blog about how a brand new and fresh graduated architect in germany sees the world and all about the university-lies. But then I quitted my day-job in 2015 because it all went different then I wished.
2015 I felt empty and not happy anymore. There were no real reasons because I got a new relationship, a quite good paid job and was around my closest friends. But I quitted the chance to visit korea the first time of my life.
After my Diploma I wanted to go to Korea to make a 6 months korean-learning-vacation. I got all, the money, the plan and a family over there. But my “new boss” said “now or never” so I said now, because getting a job is not that easy.
Being a half-asian child in Germany.
Now I think it was not a good decision. Visiting the homeland of my mother (RIP) was one of my biggest dream ever. Since being a child I wanted it. I felt this connection to Korea all the time… well. I just have to pass a mirror to see why. As a Half-Korean child there are tons of questions from all the other kids… And even elderly people didn’t stop commenting it, when I pass.
Getting a “Hey LingLing!” shouted over the street, or “OMG you can do martial arts, I know it!” from people you never met before… (and of course I can’t martial arts!).
Over to nasty comments like “Oh yummy chinese girl” or “you eat cats and dogs, right?”. This was what I heard all over the streets in Berlin as I was a young girl. And all these comments didn’t help by feeling at home in Germany.
So, quitting this great chance of finding my roots was a big fault.
But this time in 2014 I didn’t know that canceling this trip might end up as a bad decision.
Handling a lying boss at the office
There was nothing wrong with working as an architect. Really, it was what I ever wanted. And I did know what I did because of tons of internships. But there have been some fady taste. My boss told me some lies to get me into his office. As I hat my job interview he told me that there were 2 other employees and one freelancer in the studio. As I started some days later one of the employees already quitted and never was seen again. And the other employee canceled just a few months after I started. The freelancer was only some days a month there so I was alone most time.
Being alone in a big office might be cool but there came the second lie.
In the job interview he told me, staying in the house of his mother-in-law is only temporary. – But in 18 months we never moved into “the real office space“.
The third lie was his promise to work in heritage conservation (which was my main emphasis in university). While I worked in his very tiny, dirty and messy office, I started a further education in heritage conservation in a very expensive academy. I sacrificed all my holidays and all my money to get the courses which were several weeks a year. – But unfortunately I didn’t finished the education because I had not enough holidays to make it in time before they stop their course. So I have something like 70% of the courses now.
Of course, the situation in the office wasn’t great. I tried to compensate it first time with some volunteer work. So I joined the Engineers without Borders and spent a lot of time there with really great and motivated young people.
physical reactions to the lies I was told
Unfortunately this wasn’t what my soul wanted. But I didn’t know. I got very unfocused and tired. After some weeks in the new job I stopped going to the sports. I fast gained about 10kg of weight and got more and more unhappy. This time started a period in my life when I visited the doctor once a week. I had no idea what was missing. I told him that I was so tired every time and that arms and legs felt like concrete. We made great blood analysis and checked every important organ. We checked iron, zinc, iodine and everything we could imagine. After tons of needles in my arm and a lot of ultrasonic my doc came to the resolution that it isn’t my body… He often said I should quit my job and find another one.
But I didn’t listen. I thought “Oh I know what he wanted to say me. He wants to say that I am weak and that the job is not good for me… Ha! I can make it! I am strong and my soul is strong too.” – Yes, maybe my soul was strong, but not strong enough for such a long time.
I often asked the boss when we’ll get new employees and I gave him names of tons of fellow students who finished with best degrees… But I stayed alone in the dark and messy office.
After around one year I recognized that I couldn’t drive back to the office after visiting a building site. I sat in the car and the world was dancing around me. I was not able to lift my hands to the steering wheel. – First I thought it might be because of a lack of sleep or something but this situation became more frequently.
I was unable to move
One morning I wasn’t able to get my clothes on. I woke up 5.30 am as every day. I knew I needed a long time to get awake so my alarm clock ringed very early since weeks. But this one day I woke up and I couldn’t move. After I got myself out of bed -trying not to wake up my friend- I stumbled into the living room and tried to get dressed.
As I had my clothes on I had a glimpse on the clock and was shocked. It was close to 9 am.
So I decided not to jump in the train or the car to get to work. Instead I walked to the doc and he said that I am not allowed to work for the next 3 weeks. After another three weeks the situation wasn’t better but I went to work again. After another week I was sick again for some weeks. And the same procedure some times again. Until my doc said that I can’t go to work for a month or two. Or maybe three. Of course I lost the job but in a strange way it made me really happy.
But to be honest, I wasn’t able to feel this happiness. I tried to fill my life with other things that made me happy. Linke doing more volunteering and the courses of the heritage conservation academy. Hard work was the only thing I knew this time and it was the only thing that made me happy. But something broke this days. Even after three years I can’t really tell you, what it was. And I can’t tell you that all is fine now.
This is just a little glimpse into the time my life crashed and everything changed.
And now I am on a path to find myself again. And I think heading to the real home of my heart is one big and very important step.
Follow me and come with me on that journey.